A hyperactive, sugar-infested crackpot, Robin has few boundaries and even less patience. She notices the worst things and asks the wrong questions. She even barks up the wrong trees; for the longest time, she had a thing for Ethan, but he turned out to be gay. Gay for Mike.
Through a fluke, Robin was a Federal Congressional Representative for her state. She took this second job as seriously as you’d expect her to.
Leslie was Robin’s biggest fangirl, despite Robin’s seemingly obvious shortcomings. Love won out and the seemingly heterosexual Robin gave it a go with her lesbian admirer….at least until Robin went on a Cadbury Creme Egg bender and accidentally banged a dude on Internet video. Whoops.
Leslie, who Robin had affectionally nicknamed “my lesbian,” is a big science fiction fan. Not so big a fan of the Bible, however, since it and her parents think she should be put to death.
Ken was hired so that the store had more Asians. Yeah.
He’s, um, got a great personality? Ha, no. He’s pretty forgettable. He does have a thing for his roommate Malaya, though. It’s not certain what he sees in her, but it’s even less likely that she’ll ever see anything in him.
Malaya is not easy to get along with, and for good reason. She’s bitter, caustic, and spoiled. Oh, she does her job well enough, but it’s hard to interact with her without her offending you on every level.
Not many people like her, except for Ken, who’s always been infatuated with her, and Leslie, who seems to be the only human being Malaya is sweet to. She owns a pet iguana, who she calls Fuckface. Of course she calls it Fuckface.
Lucy grew up watching superhero cartoons, but her attempts to trace those cartoons back to their comic book roots left her feeling a little disenfranchised. She self-identifies as a superhero nerd, and no one’s gonna tell her different. She may not know who all the Robins are, but who cares, really. Her enthusiasm for the genre is unmatched.
She’s friendly, adorable, and geeky, so both Ken and Jacob have become smitten with her. There may be a rumble.
Most folks don’t know much about Jacob other than that he’s a gorgeous piece of man candy, he’s straight, and he loves himself some Marvel Comics.
What few learned before he got fired for not showing up to work is that he’s got some personal compulsion-based issues he doesn’t like talking about. And he kind of has this thing for Amber.
He’ll be back.
Ultra Car was created to be an interstellar vessel for the Martian War of ’04, but her artificial intelligence was transferred into a smaller hybrid hatchback chassis shortly thereafter. A breakthrough in technology, she was the prototype for a series of intelligent cars which are increasingly filling the roads.
Now she’s been put into the body of a rollerskating humanoid robot. She still hates humans and possesses the same bruised ego, both of which has made her an obvious partner for Malaya. A partner of some sort, anyway. They’re still figuring it out.
Galasso seems to believe that he is actually the despot of a ruthless, fascist organization. Sure, many would say managing a retail store isn’t too different, but–
Well, okay. It’s really the same thing.
Faz Oh Lee
Shortpacked!’s most annoying recruit has an infuriatingly smug grin you’d love to remove with a grenade launcher. He’s got some amoral ideas on how to succeed in the workplace, and it’s even more infuriating that they usually seem to work.
He has decided that Amber will be his bride, much to her revulsion. (She recently found out that he’s her half-brother, to pour salt on the wound.) Unfortunately, not even most forms of violence seem to deter him, nor wipe the smile off his face.
Jeshua ben Joseph
Galasso heard that controversy can drum up store traffic, and so he resurrected the Historical Jesus to work at Shortpacked!. What Galasso got, though, may be a little more than he bargained for. Jeshua’s a revolutionary prone to overturning tables of merchandise, and he won’t shut up about how the Son of Man is coming to restore the Kingdom of Heaven. And he’s 5’1″.
Everyone calls him Jesus because that’s more marketable, and Robin makes him wear a bright blue sash around his uniform because that’s what the Picture Bible told her Jesus is supposed to wear.
He likes ninjas a lot.
Roz is Robin’s hated little sister. She’s a self-described “camwhore” by trade, and she’s kind of a manipulative little something-something.
Roz believes very strongly in sexual freedom. Specifically, she believes very strongly in banging Jacob. Which she does.
A failed stand-up comedian, Ethan had settled for working retail. Amazingly, retail has not broken him yet. He still has that shimmer of hope for the future and his fellow man. Whether this is due to the strength of his resolve or just plain old ordinary denial depends on your personal level of cynicism.
After settling in with his boyfriend, Manny, Ethan has left the toy store to pursue stand-up comedy once again.
Amber O’Malley was uneasy when dealing with people, so Cheese only knows why she ran the customer service desk. It probably had to do with how she feels more secure behind the counter, with a solid barrier between herself and real li– er, customers. She used to have an Internet boyfriend.
Slowly, Amber grew more and more confidence in herself, blackmailed Mike into a relationship (he was okay with it), got promoted to assistant manager, had a baby, got married, and ultimately got her own Shortpacked! store hundreds of miles away in Denver.
Mike is just an asshole. Claim anything else, and you’re reaching. The only time he ever says anything helpful is if it depresses you. He’ll also give you the best sex of your life, if only to withhold more from you thereafter.
He’s got an embarrassing secret (he’s nice when he’s drunk), though, and Amber, after discovering it, extorted boyfriendship out of him to keep it that way. Just as he planned. What he didn’t plan was that Robin would cause a birth control mishap and he’d end up fathering Amber’s child. Now married to Amber, the two and their daughter Donna are running a new Shortpacked! store in Denver.
Amber pooped a baby.